growing up...

I sat here today thinking that wouldn't it be wonderful to be out on my own? No curfew, no rules, no parents telling me what to do, how to dress, how to live. Nothing to tell me where to go, who I go with and how I do it. Is that really what growing up is about? Not having anyone tell me what to do or how to act. Growing up isn't just the moment when you leave for college and you take your first step out of your dorm to go explore a campus or you get your first apartment. Growing up was all about getting told what to do when to do it and how to do it, growing up is right now and, honestly, I don't believe that it will ever stop. You will never be "grown up" because you can even see it in your parent's eyes, they are still a teenager at heart and they don't know everything there is to being "grown up." yes as time goes on you gain more responsibility and more trust in people, you get married, you have kids, you get a job, you buy your first house and your first car...but when you actually think about it, your whole if is other people telling you what to do, where to be, how to act and how to live your life that you thought you would have to yourself. If you grew up on your own terms where would you be? If you made yourself who you are by yourself what would become of your personality? So next time I sit down and get angry at people telling me what to do, I will remember that those people telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it are the same people that are helping me "grow up" whether I agree or not. Life is about choices. Am I going to make the choice to take what has been taught or do I start over my life how I thought I should have been raised? Either way, my life was influenced on decisions and choices of the other people as well, and when I have little ones of my own I will remember how I felt and also remember my choices effect how a person makes their own choices.

Jaymie's story pt. ??

My mind was going mush after looking at the computer screen for hours waiting and watching for him to possibly come online or even to text me. I was doing homework kind of, but not really paying attention to anything other than my own thoughts that drowned out any thinking process needed for schoolwork.
I jumped when my phone buzzed and I quickly looked to see who it was. Natalie was calling. I quickly answered,
"Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, can you meet me by the park. Like, NOW!"
My heart stood still. Any time she was talking about "the park" I knew it had to do with Jake, my ex. My blood began to boil as I was running through scenarios in my mind.
"Why do I need to meet you at the park, is Jake there?" my voice was stern as I got up from the computer and grabbed my keys and wallet that were laying on my bed.
"I'll explain when you get here, just get here." she hung up.
"CRAP!" I yelled as I ran out the door.
"Jaymie!" mom yelled after me, "Where are you going??" she was following me to the car, I didn't stop I just opened my door and got in. Mom got there and knocked on the window. I shoved my keys into the car and  rolled down the window.
"I'll be back 45 minutes tops, I promise." I said turning the key.  My car roared to life and I put the car in drive.
"Where are you going young lady." She grabbed my wheel and glared at me.
"To meet Natalie. Everything is fine, I will be back I promise." I began to roll up the window and she recoiled her hand from the wheel and sat there dumbfounded.  I jolted forward and I was on my way, not caring to look back or to even glance in the rear view mirrors. I pulled out my phone again and dialed Natalie's number. She didn't pick up and I threw my phone on the seat next to me, growling in frustration. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the moment but I knew this situation had to do with Jake.
    My phone buzzed and I picked it up. Natalie texted me saying "Where r u??" I pressed call and held the phone to my ear. She didn't answer. I was stopped at a stoplight and sent her a text back, "2 min away." She called me and I picked up, "Whats up."
"OK, so don't get mad, let me explain..."
"Are you with Jake?" I asked sternly.
"I knew you would catch on."
"Well, Duh."
"So, he just asked me to come hook up with him at the park." she paused for my reaction. I didn't say anything so she continued, "And I don't know what to do, I told him I'd be there." I heard her voice start to choke up like she was about to cry while on the flip-side,  I was exploding with rage on the inside. I swallowed hard and sighed.
"This is what you are going to do - Are you there right now?"
"Almost."
"Alright, when you get there, do everything as planned, start making out with him or something. Then I will be there soon and when I show up I am going to come to the car and have a little surprise party. Sound good?"
"I'm here. He's here. Holy crap. Jay, I don't think I can do this..."
"Believe me it will be worth it." My fury was bleeding away into just plain adrenaline; my heart was pounding out of my chest.
"He's coming to my car I have to go!" and she was disconnected. The park was just around the corner and I waited by the curb of the street before I slowly turned into the parking lot with my lights off. I went into the parking lot but kept going around to the other side of the park to park my car away from them. I slowly got out after parking and walked over to Natalie's car. There they were, kissing. She seemed so uncomfortable, I saw her look up and I smiled at her with a glint in my eye. I stood with my arms crossed and kicked the door. Jake broke away and stared at me with wide, scared eyes. We just sat there for a few moments. Me glaring, him peeing his pants and Natalie burying her face in her hands.
               I walked away then without a word. I heard someone get out of a car and get into another one. I heard a car start and then speed away. I didn't bother to look back, not to mention I was trying to hold back my laughter. I heard another car start up and I saw Natalie driving over to where my car was parked. I sped up then to get to her while I burst out laughing.

Jaymie's story pt. ?

I glanced up from the pages of my book to watch the rain as it began to pound on the window. I slowly let the book down next to me  on the window seat as I brought my knees up to my chest and set my chin on them. How can I go on like this? It's been four weeks since I've talked to him. No call, no text. Just unanswered questions and memories of apparently nothing but nothing. I gazed at the patterns the rain made on the window as it slid down in streams and puddled on the sill. I never cry, I keep my feelings inside for the most part, other than anger, and can't help but wish that the rain would cry for me and make everything better. I've tried forgetting but you can't ever forget, especially when you know you weren't wrong. How does this ever make any sense? It won't. He didn't even talk to me about anything. It just ended and I couldn't do anything about it. Was I wrong? That is the question that has been running through my mind. The conclusion always coming to me going over things over and over again trying to figure out what went wrong. No, I didn't do anything wrong. I have tried forgetting about it many times; reading books, playing piano, making up new songs and stories. Nothing helps. It never has. He caught my heart and I had no way of protecting it because his way of grabbing my mind made the fall harder. Is he sorry? No. Does he care? Most likely not.
                              I wiped a tear away from my cheek as I grabbed my book again to try to envelope my mind into someone else's life instead of my own. This was the first time I had cried in months. I stared at the pages, reading the same paragraph over and over again. If I had taken a test on it I would have gotten an "F"; nothing I read was retained. Suddenly I threw my book at the wall, making a huge dent where the spine hit, and I covered my face with my hands as I began weeping. I heard footsteps down the hall coming closer and I jumped up and sprinted to the door to lock it, whimpering loudly. I locked it just in time as I felt my mom try to force the door open.
 "Jaymie, are you alright?"
"Go away!" I screamed, sobbing as I leaned my back against the door and slid to the floor. This is no way to act but I couldn't help it now that the flood started. Mom kept frantically knocking on my door and trying to convince me to open it but I kept on crying. Pretty soon she gave up and I could hear her footsteps disappearing down the hall. My sobs were not as loud but still the tears couldn't stop. I tried stopping but just moaned and fell face first on the floor. Why is this happening?
 I heard my phone buzz and I lifted my face to look for it. I pushed myself up and, tears still running down my face I crawled to the window seat again and grabbed the phone that was sitting on the cushion.

What happens next?

What happens next? People cannot be trusted, hardly anyone can be truely loved and no one has the right to anything. When someone lies to you, goes behind your back, says they love you and feels like they are entitled to your time, you tend to start to feel like there is no hope for someone better because you cared about them and felt like they were your last hope. Sinking into a hole of feeling alone even when your in a room of crowded people is the worst feeling I'm sure everyone has felt. Having your heart touched by someone in a way that was "different" from the rest is something that happens frequently, never enough, but too much. Relationships make no since which is why I think we all want one, to try and make sence of it but end up hurt and confused. Is it really fair how we all strive for the best but end up with something we never thought we would get? When you know there is something going on but you cannot do anything about it until it comes out? When they lie and you cannot back up your case, or when you find them going behind your back but they dont care, when they say they love you but then dont really care about you, and when they demand your time but are so willing to say "no" when a video game or sports game is in play. How do we go from here, what is the answer to what we are searching for? Is there no hope, is there noone who will ever do opposite of all these things? Are we waiting for that person that will ever lie to us, never go behind our backs, never say they love you unless they truely mean it and never keep playing when you need to be with them? No one will be perfect. No man will be smart enough to know everything a girl is feeling and vice versa. But I believe that if I wait long enough and don't settle, then he/she will come. God has a purpose and a plan. I know that whoever that person is, is the perfect fit for me and for my family too. Listen to the wind, let the rain come, let river flood. I know that our short time here is insignificant to what comes after and it's silly to be upset when things dont work out. As Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

CoNtInUeD......

I sighed heavily as I continued to walk, head down, hands in my pockets, towards the door.
"Hey, Jaymie!" Someone called from behind me. I whipped around, bad idea in a crowded hall, I got a few "watch it"s and "move"s  and even an "ow" from someone I nailed with my bag.
"Sorry.." I said as I looked around to see who the caller was. It was Jake of course, from my next class. He always walked me up the stairs and sat by me in class. He was jogging towards me, smiling and dodging, sometimes unsucessfully, the people around him as he tried to get to me. I just stood there and smirked a bit.
"What's up, Jake?" I said flatly and without emotion. Puzzled at my uncaracteristic tone, he gave a quizical look before answering,
"Nothing..." he let his voice trail as he caught up to me "You ready for class?" he said, finally reaching me.
"I mean, I did the homework...but other than that, not really. I really just want to go home." I looked at my phone again to avoid his piercing gaze that always made me alittle uncomfortable.
"I understand, I guess." he said quietly. We started to walk then in silence for a few moments.
"Mr. Heckle is supposed to have half lecture today and the rest is the lab." he said with hopeful hint in his voice, hoping to get me at least a little happy, no doubt.
"Cool." I said bluntly and kept staring ahead. I knew I was being a bit mean but I really didn't feel too awesome today. I honestly don't know why but I seem to feel this way alot lately. We reached the door and he held it open for me and then followed me out.
"Thanks." I said quietly and he smiled a little.
"Yea his lectures make me so tired, he seriously needs to learn how to teach. I don't remember half the stuff he says." he was grasping so hard to catch my attention. Usually I would say something like, 'Yea he deffinately needs some classes...and we should nominate him for What Not to Wear.' Mr Heckle kindof had a wardrobe issue. He was always wearing his fourty year old blazer with moth bitten holes on the side with a crazy-striped sweater underneath, his unmatching grayish sweat pants, socks with strap sandles,  and his broken glasses sliding down his nose every time he talked.
"Yea, I guess." we reached the next building and he held the door open for me again. Jake is so nice, probably the ideal guy you would want to date but I guess I just wasn't in the mood and when I didnt thank him this time his confidence seemed to deflate. We walked in silence up the stairs and to the classroom, sitting in our usual chairs that sat next to each other but not saying anything while the rest of the class was chattering about the projects they were working on. I stared blankly ahead waiting for the professor to come in. A few times I cought out of the corner of my eye Jake open his mouth to talk but then quickly close it and doodle on the back of the seat in front of him. I streatched and looked up to the ceiling, the flourescent lights making my eyes ache a bit.
               Suddenly a middle aged woman stalked into the classroom and stood in front of the class. It scared me and I jumped a  bit, I could hear Jake quietly chuckle but then fall silent because this woman glared at him. We all straightened up and stared at her as she obviously was going to talk.
"Hello, my name is Miss Kranton, I will be filling in for Mr. Heckle today." she said blatantly and turned to the chalk board to start writing something. I could feel the eminant question hanging in the air around me but it felt like everyone was too scared to ask it.

Jayme's story. ((begining of a book im writing))

I felt someone walking behind me. I know that it is a crowded school hallway but it felt different. I slightly turn my head to the side just in time to see a guy in a black jacket and fadded cargo shorts brush by me and speed ahead. I smirked as I loked down at my phone absentmindedly. It was, of course, the ever popular, forever beautiful...boy who sits in the fourth chair, fourth row. I catch him looking at me in class alot, though I'm no size "0" blonde haired beauty. He never has talked to me before except "sorry" when he accidently touched my hair.
He's totally out my league and needless to say, cocky which is not my cup of tea. Sometimes I feel like he wants to start a conversation but never does. I dont know what that means but probably that I'm too beneath him. I always think, "well, maybe I'll ask him how to do this problem." or " I'll ask him if he did the homework before class." but I never really got the courage. I watched as he quickly sprinted to the door and violently slammed into it while stepping out into the blazing, blinding sunlight and disappear behind the corner, his shadow quickly following...

Writing

I am writing today on writing. Writing is a free way of letting out what is bursting inside. It can be expressed through pen and page, spray can and wall, paint and canvas... writing your own story is a sense of freedom that some things cannot compare to. Writing can express your true feelings when you are truely just writing. So write as much as possible to understand more about yourself than you ever knew before.