Jaymie's story pt. ?

I glanced up from the pages of my book to watch the rain as it began to pound on the window. I slowly let the book down next to me  on the window seat as I brought my knees up to my chest and set my chin on them. How can I go on like this? It's been four weeks since I've talked to him. No call, no text. Just unanswered questions and memories of apparently nothing but nothing. I gazed at the patterns the rain made on the window as it slid down in streams and puddled on the sill. I never cry, I keep my feelings inside for the most part, other than anger, and can't help but wish that the rain would cry for me and make everything better. I've tried forgetting but you can't ever forget, especially when you know you weren't wrong. How does this ever make any sense? It won't. He didn't even talk to me about anything. It just ended and I couldn't do anything about it. Was I wrong? That is the question that has been running through my mind. The conclusion always coming to me going over things over and over again trying to figure out what went wrong. No, I didn't do anything wrong. I have tried forgetting about it many times; reading books, playing piano, making up new songs and stories. Nothing helps. It never has. He caught my heart and I had no way of protecting it because his way of grabbing my mind made the fall harder. Is he sorry? No. Does he care? Most likely not.
                              I wiped a tear away from my cheek as I grabbed my book again to try to envelope my mind into someone else's life instead of my own. This was the first time I had cried in months. I stared at the pages, reading the same paragraph over and over again. If I had taken a test on it I would have gotten an "F"; nothing I read was retained. Suddenly I threw my book at the wall, making a huge dent where the spine hit, and I covered my face with my hands as I began weeping. I heard footsteps down the hall coming closer and I jumped up and sprinted to the door to lock it, whimpering loudly. I locked it just in time as I felt my mom try to force the door open.
 "Jaymie, are you alright?"
"Go away!" I screamed, sobbing as I leaned my back against the door and slid to the floor. This is no way to act but I couldn't help it now that the flood started. Mom kept frantically knocking on my door and trying to convince me to open it but I kept on crying. Pretty soon she gave up and I could hear her footsteps disappearing down the hall. My sobs were not as loud but still the tears couldn't stop. I tried stopping but just moaned and fell face first on the floor. Why is this happening?
 I heard my phone buzz and I lifted my face to look for it. I pushed myself up and, tears still running down my face I crawled to the window seat again and grabbed the phone that was sitting on the cushion.

What happens next?

What happens next? People cannot be trusted, hardly anyone can be truely loved and no one has the right to anything. When someone lies to you, goes behind your back, says they love you and feels like they are entitled to your time, you tend to start to feel like there is no hope for someone better because you cared about them and felt like they were your last hope. Sinking into a hole of feeling alone even when your in a room of crowded people is the worst feeling I'm sure everyone has felt. Having your heart touched by someone in a way that was "different" from the rest is something that happens frequently, never enough, but too much. Relationships make no since which is why I think we all want one, to try and make sence of it but end up hurt and confused. Is it really fair how we all strive for the best but end up with something we never thought we would get? When you know there is something going on but you cannot do anything about it until it comes out? When they lie and you cannot back up your case, or when you find them going behind your back but they dont care, when they say they love you but then dont really care about you, and when they demand your time but are so willing to say "no" when a video game or sports game is in play. How do we go from here, what is the answer to what we are searching for? Is there no hope, is there noone who will ever do opposite of all these things? Are we waiting for that person that will ever lie to us, never go behind our backs, never say they love you unless they truely mean it and never keep playing when you need to be with them? No one will be perfect. No man will be smart enough to know everything a girl is feeling and vice versa. But I believe that if I wait long enough and don't settle, then he/she will come. God has a purpose and a plan. I know that whoever that person is, is the perfect fit for me and for my family too. Listen to the wind, let the rain come, let river flood. I know that our short time here is insignificant to what comes after and it's silly to be upset when things dont work out. As Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

CoNtInUeD......

I sighed heavily as I continued to walk, head down, hands in my pockets, towards the door.
"Hey, Jaymie!" Someone called from behind me. I whipped around, bad idea in a crowded hall, I got a few "watch it"s and "move"s  and even an "ow" from someone I nailed with my bag.
"Sorry.." I said as I looked around to see who the caller was. It was Jake of course, from my next class. He always walked me up the stairs and sat by me in class. He was jogging towards me, smiling and dodging, sometimes unsucessfully, the people around him as he tried to get to me. I just stood there and smirked a bit.
"What's up, Jake?" I said flatly and without emotion. Puzzled at my uncaracteristic tone, he gave a quizical look before answering,
"Nothing..." he let his voice trail as he caught up to me "You ready for class?" he said, finally reaching me.
"I mean, I did the homework...but other than that, not really. I really just want to go home." I looked at my phone again to avoid his piercing gaze that always made me alittle uncomfortable.
"I understand, I guess." he said quietly. We started to walk then in silence for a few moments.
"Mr. Heckle is supposed to have half lecture today and the rest is the lab." he said with hopeful hint in his voice, hoping to get me at least a little happy, no doubt.
"Cool." I said bluntly and kept staring ahead. I knew I was being a bit mean but I really didn't feel too awesome today. I honestly don't know why but I seem to feel this way alot lately. We reached the door and he held it open for me and then followed me out.
"Thanks." I said quietly and he smiled a little.
"Yea his lectures make me so tired, he seriously needs to learn how to teach. I don't remember half the stuff he says." he was grasping so hard to catch my attention. Usually I would say something like, 'Yea he deffinately needs some classes...and we should nominate him for What Not to Wear.' Mr Heckle kindof had a wardrobe issue. He was always wearing his fourty year old blazer with moth bitten holes on the side with a crazy-striped sweater underneath, his unmatching grayish sweat pants, socks with strap sandles,  and his broken glasses sliding down his nose every time he talked.
"Yea, I guess." we reached the next building and he held the door open for me again. Jake is so nice, probably the ideal guy you would want to date but I guess I just wasn't in the mood and when I didnt thank him this time his confidence seemed to deflate. We walked in silence up the stairs and to the classroom, sitting in our usual chairs that sat next to each other but not saying anything while the rest of the class was chattering about the projects they were working on. I stared blankly ahead waiting for the professor to come in. A few times I cought out of the corner of my eye Jake open his mouth to talk but then quickly close it and doodle on the back of the seat in front of him. I streatched and looked up to the ceiling, the flourescent lights making my eyes ache a bit.
               Suddenly a middle aged woman stalked into the classroom and stood in front of the class. It scared me and I jumped a  bit, I could hear Jake quietly chuckle but then fall silent because this woman glared at him. We all straightened up and stared at her as she obviously was going to talk.
"Hello, my name is Miss Kranton, I will be filling in for Mr. Heckle today." she said blatantly and turned to the chalk board to start writing something. I could feel the eminant question hanging in the air around me but it felt like everyone was too scared to ask it.